Poison Gas Suicide

So, I totally understand how living in Japan could make you want to kill yourself, but this latest rash of "make your own death gas" has got to stop. People, committing suicide is just like being a doctor -- first, do no harm [to other people]! It's nice that you put a helpful sign on your door informing people that there was poison gas in there, but you still made your whole apartment building sick. And in another instance, a 27 year old guy put a sign on his bathroom in his parents' house warning them not to enter, poison gas, so obviously when his dad saw it he rushed in to try to, you know, save his son's life, and instantly died. If there is anything you could to to hurt your mom worse than kill yourself, it would be to take your dad with you when you did it.

So, once again, all together now: if you really gotta do it, buy a gun and fire it into the roof of your mouth. Do not poison your neighbors/parents. Do not park your car in the path of an oncoming train. Do not blow yourself up in a crowded location. And, you know, make sure your dad isn't hovering above your skull before you pull the trigger. It's really the least you can do, you irresponsible suicidal fucks.

Bitches can NOT drive!

Wonder why that Russian spaceship landed 250 miles off target? That's right, cause a woman was in charge. US astronaut Peggy Whitson, the first female commander of the ISS, plus the first South Korean astronaut who also happens to be a dumb chick who can't steer, totally messed up the whole ship's mojo. But don't worry, Russia is on the task!

Federal Space Agency chief Anatoly Perminov referred to a naval superstition that having women aboard a ship was bad luck when asked about the presence of two women on the Soyuz.

"You know in Russia, there are certain bad omens about this sort of thing, but thank God that everything worked out successfully," he said. "Of course in the future, we will work somehow to ensure that the number of women will not surpass" the number of men.

Challenged by a reporter, Perminov responded, "This isn't discrimination. I'm just saying that when a majority [of the crew] is female, sometimes certain kinds of unsanctioned behavior or something else occurs; that's what I'm talking about." He did not elaborate.

Awesome!

Penis Theft Panic!

OK, really, this is just an excuse to reference this awesome headline:

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

I mean, phenomenal. But there is one other awesome part, wherein these penises (penii?) are being "snatched" via black magic, leading Kinshasa's police chief to say:

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke[...b]ut when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'"

Uh, yah, they "became" tiny. Sure they did. Funny how that happens.

Not so funny -- they had to arrest alleged sorcerers along side alleged victims to skip the result "seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs."

OK, actually, that's still funny. I mean, everybody's got to go one way or another, and being beaten to death by a mob for being a penis snatcher has a certain élan to it, don't you think?