Detachable Testicles

People are always saying that birth control is supposed to be both partners' responsibility, but assuming you don't want to use condoms forever in your long term relationship, what's a man to do? Short of having a vasectomy, you really don't have a lot of options. And you know your girlfriend will one day replace her birth control pills with Tic-Tacs and trap you into a marriage, that bitch.

Well, never fear: scientists in Australia (yay, Australia!) have invented a remote-controlled valve that you just pop in your vas deferens and can open and shut as you see fit. Trying to get the wifey pregnant? Open! Don't want the stripper filing a paternity suit? Closed! So handy. Just make sure, as always, not to let the bitch touch the remote.

Also one commenter suggests it should be named the StopCock, which I think is just brilliant.

Citizens United Not Timid

Is "a 527 organization to educate the American public about what Hilary Clinton really is". And guess what she is? Guess what those initials spell? That's right, cunt! They spell cunt. She is a cunt. You can buy a t-shirt with this valuable information on it:





Check out that logo! At least Hillary is a patriotic, star-spangled cunt.

Anyway, that's the whole point of the group -- selling those $25 t-shirts. And the guy behind it, Roger Stone, used to work for Nixon and has a tattoo of Nixon between his shoulder blades! That is fucking committed!

Presidential Paintball

Remember that time Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face?

Well, you can't be Dick Cheney in this game, but why pass up a chance to bring that up? You can be one of the 6 leading candidates and try to shoot the rest of them. In the face.

Search Wikia

So, ok, I know people have different opinions about Wikipedia (I'm STILL looking at (and loathing) you, Andrew Keene!), but I think this is a pretty good plan right here. You know how Google gets its results to be all handy and relevant? Right, you don't -- nobody does except Larry Page and he's not talking, cause those algorithms are mighty valuable.

So what if instead of writing an algorithm that would somehow rank pages in the right order of relevance without ever looking at them, you just got the whole Wiki universe to actually look at search results and tell you which ones were right? Cause, you know, we don't have anything better to do, and we have a lot of free time.

And what's the point of doing this, when we already have Google and it rocks, whereas this project is going to take a really long time to be good, assuming it ever happens? Well, nobody knows how pages get ranked. And while Google continues to not be evil so far, they are pretty neatly taking over the whole fucking world, and I don't know how long that's going to last. And if they started tweaking their algorithms so just the opinions and articles and products they wanted you to see started coming up, and you had no way of knowing they were doing it? Well, you don't need to be a paranoid conspiracy theorist to see where that might be bad.

But even if you have perfect faith in Google, transparency is still always a good thing. You should know how things get made, even sausages and laws (maybe you shouldn't be eating those sausages if they're so fucking gross to make, hmm?). So knowing exactly how my search engine works and what goes into its rankings is something I'd rather know than not know, you know?

In short, fuck ignorance.

All I Want For Christmas

Is a combination Taser holster/MP3 player. Seriously, what else would you get for the girl always running in dark, crime-ridden alleys? Besides some fucking common sense and a gym membership? Answer: this!

Oh, and is that a leopard print Taser peeking out of there? OH YES I BELIEVE IT IS!

Hott.

Attacks on Obama

In between all the bullshit about him being a Muslim terrorist and whatnot (his middle name is Hussein, you guys! Al-Qaeda!!!), I must have missed this last year: Obama paid late parking tickets -- Racked up penalties while at Harvard.

That's right, people, between 1988 and 1991, Obama got seventeen whole parking tickets, of which only two were paid at the time. That is, until he decided to run for president and had to clean that shit up, twenty years later.

The part that amazes me is that apparently in Boston, fifteen parking tickets and two decades of late fees only adds up to $375.

Also, lucky he never had the fucking marshals seize his car. Cause seriously, that shit sucks.

Wait, who was our mayor on September 11th again?

In re: Hillary getting a tad weepy, Rudy assures us:

"This is not something I would judge anybody on one way or the other. And the reality is, if you look at me, uh, September 11th, the funerals, the memorial services, there were times in which it was just impossible -- not to feel, uh, the emotion."

Just in case you had forgotten!

William Kristol

Not that I know a whole bunch about William Kristol, but cartoonist Tom Tomorrow has gone to the trouble of rounding up a lovely sample of quotes showing what we might expect from the NYT's newest columnist. My personal favorite? From March 1st, 2003: "Very few wars in American history were prepared better or more thoroughly than this one by this president." Even Ol' Rummy was agreeing that "you go to war with the Army you have...not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time" by the next year.

Oh, look who wrote that article I just linked to quoting SecDef! Right up there in the Google results. William Kristol opens with the quote then goes on to explain why he disagrees (rather disrespectfully: "Actually, we have a pretty terrific Army. It's performed a lot better in this war than the secretary of defense has."), and apparently is under the impression that he is a more competent judge of the army's strength than the fucking Secretary of Defense. No matter how lacking that Secretary may or may not have been. Kristol goes on to highlight Rummy's failings by saying:

"Leave aside the fact that the issue is not "the number of troops we had for the invasion" but rather the number of troops we have had for postwar stabilization. Leave aside the fact that Gen. Tommy Franks had projected that he would need a quarter-million troops on the ground for that task -- and that his civilian superiors had mistakenly promised him that tens of thousands of international troops would be available. Leave aside the fact that Rumsfeld has only grudgingly and belatedly been willing to adjust even a little bit to realities on the ground since April 2003. And leave aside the fact that if our generals have been under pressure not to request more troops in Iraq for fear of stretching the military too thin, this is a consequence of Rumsfeld's refusal to increase the size of the military after Sept. 11."

Gosh, don't you think some of that would have been, you know, prepared for?

Anyway, I digress: my point is, William Kristol. Writing for the New York Times. Yesterday's column goes something like:

"Some of us would much prefer a non-liberal and non-Democratic administration. We don’t want to increase the scope of the nanny state, we don’t want to undo the good done by the appointments of John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, and we really don’t want to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory in Iraq."

I am all for balanced perspectives in the media but isn't this why God in His infinite wisdom invented Fox News?

The Bible from Godless China, Just Like Jesus Intended

The city of Nanking, previously famous mainly for being raped, has a new selling point: it will be home to a printing plant that can produce "more than one Bible every second" (!). At the risk of being blasphemous, that is a lot of goddamn bibles. Of course, as the article points out:

"There is a massive irony in China becoming the leading exporter of Bibles at a time when religious freedoms in the nation of 1.3 billion remain tightly restricted and smuggling of unauthorized Bibles can still lead to a jail sentence.

"Earlier this year, one of the leaders of China's underground Protestant church was released after serving three years hard labor for possessing thousands of unauthorized Bibles. He reportedly spent his sentence making soccer balls for the 2008 Beijing Olympics."

This is what we need in America. More jail sentences for Bible possession, with a net result of much-needed sports equipment (Get it? Net?). Get those looney motherfuckers off the streets and into prison where they belong!

No, seriously. Off the streets.

My New Favorite Google Maps Mash-Up

The World Bank, Mapped. It's a pretty handy mash-up, really, allowing you to see country data and active World Bank projects all laid out on their countries. Like, if you were wondering how the Cotton Sector Recovery Project in Tajikistan was doing, how would you ever know where to find this information? Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. The other half is clearly the recovery of the cotton sector in Tajikistan, so good luck with that.

There is also genuinely helpful (or at least interesting) information in all the data sections. Like, did you know the infant mortality rate in the DRC is 129 out of 1,000 live births? And that's before you even have the chance to get shot in a violent uprising!

The site also includes this awesome DISCLAIMER: "This map is powered by Google Maps. Country borders or names do not necessarily reflect the World Bank Group's official position." Just in case you thought the solution to your border dispute was hacking into Google Maps.

Cheap Toys and a Surprise!

When you shop at Wal-Mart, you don't just get a doll, you also get a shank. This video from CNN reports on a family who bought a doll from Wal-Mart that also had a knife wrapped in electrical tape in it. Wal-Mart neglected to provide an explanation or give a refund for the doll, which does seem a little not in the Christmas spirit, but what do I know.



Also Mattel assures us that this is "an isolated incident", in case you thought they might be changing Polly Pocket to Polly Pocketknife.