Bristol Palin's baby daddy

Just for the record, I think that dragging children into presidential campaigns is absolutely wrong, not because of some moral abstraction regarding the sanctity of your kids, but just because it's rather pointless. I mean my parents are atrocious at being parents and have the totally fucked up kids to prove it, but are excellent at things like running large companies and getting people to like them, and would make great vice presidents. In fact, McCain really ought to have picked my dad, they see eye to eye on a whole truckload.

But, the New York Post (aka "the rag of record") does not share my compunction, and has reproduced in part the MySpace page of one Levi Johnston:

On his MySpace page, Johnston boasts, "I'm a f - - -in' redneck" who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.
"But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s- - - and just f - - -in' chillin' I guess."
"Ya f - - - with me I'll kick [your] ass," he added.
He also claims to be "in a relationship," but states, "I don't want kids."

I mean that's just great. "'Ya f - - - with me I'll kick [your] ass,' he added" is a sentence that needs to be used far more often in newspapers. I mean "newspapers".

Confidential to Fox News: please note that my usage of the term "baby [parent]" is not entirely correct as Bristol and Levi are reportedly still involved and plan to wed, but it is an improvement over using it to refer to one's actual current spouse. Thank you.

Film on YouTube

One of the common criticisms about this whole Web 2.0 user-generated content whatnot is that there is so much crap generated by the unwashed masses that no one will be able to tell what is good or not. Leaving aside the fact that there are plenty of stars forged in the fires of YouTube (many currently featured in that Weezer video), there is also the point that YouTube is simply a distribution channel, albeit one with very few obstacles to entry.

So if you'd made a film about exactly how staggeringly incompetent US decisions made after the fall of Baghdad contributed in no small part to this seething quagmire of a civil war called Iraq we've got going on now, and you'd seen the other fifteen excellent recent movies about Iraq crash and burn in brick-and-mortar theaters (even the crappy ones with tons of famous people failed, and I am pretty sure that Brett is the only person not specifically involved with the making of the film "Grace Is Gone" nor at Sundance 2007 to have seen it), maybe you would realize that getting as many people to see your documentary as possible is what you were going for all along. (Also, its run on YouTube just happens to end on November 5th, which sounds kinda close to some other date that is familiar for some reason.)

So maybe Magnolia Pictures that bought your critically acclaimed movie (Washington Post's number 1 film of 2007!) and planned to distribute it, but so far had only managed to put it in 2 theaters and release the DVD, thought: why not put the fucker up on YouTube so people can see it for free with no ads in the film, and just have a banner ad up top that (presumably) represents some sort of sponsorship from Netflix and Amazon so we can actually recoup some of our expenses?

I think it's a brilliant plan, that I hope more films released by actual studios could follow. A lot of talk has gone 'round about the demise of the major studio indie division, but really, what does it cost you to put something on YouTube? Work out a deal with Netflix, include their ad on your page, and accomplish the goals of 1) having people see the movie and 2) making money off the movie with little to no effort whatsoever. Why is that hard? Like, if this absolutely ridiculous animated baby rap piece of shit advertising some bullshit online cute baby contest can get almost seven hundred thousand views (!), maybe a picture about a war that has dramatically affected the lives of millions and millions of people could get a handful of hits.

Actually, I just scanned some of the comments, and never mind. Back to DVDs, never to be seen by anyone, you brilliant relevant filmmakers you!

forkinass4 says:
why is this video an hour long? WTF MAN!! That aint right! (votes zero)

RNC

In the spirit of the Republicans taking a day off their convention to go make sure Hurricane Gustav didn't entirely obliterate their chances this November, I will also take a break from mentioning anything about the specific fourth dimensional aspects of exactly how much Bush cares about black people [Hint: not determined solely by when hurricanes are about to hit] and simply inquire: What the fuck is Cindy McCain wearing?





Is it, like, the color of the silty, flooding Mississippi? With a collar that can be used as a flotation device?

Divorced Kids

Nope, not kids of divorce, divorced children: This 8 year old girl in Saudi Arabia was somehow or other married to a 50 year old guy in secret, arranged by her father, and now her mother is filing for divorce on her behalf. Because she doesn't know she's married, and also because she's eight. Now I understand that lots of people have arranged marriages, and often they are arranged while they are still children, but don't they usually wait until they're at least like thirteen, or, you know, have pubic hair, before they actually get married? At least this one is still living with her parents, unlike this other girl they mention:

In April another eight-year-old girl won a divorce after fleeing from her husband, aged 28, and arriving in the main court in the capital Sana'a.

They don't mention exactly how an eight year old managed to run away and make it all the way to the capital, in Yemen, but that's some accomplished kid. I bet she'll make someone very happy, when she's ready to be a wife. At twelve.

Condom Ringtone

Neat idea: in India, where there are still a lot of stigmas around condoms, sexual education and their 2.5 million people living with HIV/AIDS, the BBC World Services Trust has started a new campaign trying to make condoms more acceptable. So far they've included a contest to answer a riddle to get people to talk about condoms, have a spiffy parrot mascot, and awesomely, a ringtone with a professional singer chanting "Condom" over and over. There's an ad showing the ringtone here, plus you can hear or download the ringtone here. It's pretty great!

Gender Identity

Confused? Just examine your browsing history! This dude has set up a way to analyze what sites you've visited, compare their male-to-female ratio, and therefore decide whether you are male or female. The ratios are pretty interesting, people's comments seem to imply that they think there's judgement involved, and are confusing actually being male or female with gender stereotypes (why does my college make me feminine??) but it's just a breakdown -- girls are more likely to use financial sites and buy plane tickets and check out the ACLU than boys, for whatever reason. But boy oh boy is The Pirate Bay male! Incidentally, Google is just slightly more used by women whereas YouTube is exactly even. Given that there are more women than men in the world, but I think there are more men on the Internet -- well, I don't actually know what any of it means (nor where he's getting the ratios from) but it is interesting.

Oddly enough, my FireFox self is overwhelmingly female, while my IE self is overwhelmingly male. I didn't realize I was breaking it down like that. I guess I'll go check out this weekend's Hall of Fame football game on FireFox, then. Go Redskins!

Why this woman can't handle Monica Corcoran

Why women can't handle 'Dark Knight'

Hey, Christopher Nolan.

Ever drink a gallon of Diet Coke and sit for two hours with your legs crossed? Oh and then -- just when it seems like Gotham is safe and credits will roll -- suffer through another 32 minutes of clenching your nether region muscles?

Clearly, the director of "The Dark Knight" and the auteurs behind other interminable fan boy action movies such as "Iron Man" (126 minutes) don't know that a woman's
bladder is about the size of a salted cocktail peanut. Men have bladders that are walnut-sized. And those very gals, after silently praying that the Joker will die or Batman will retire or everyone will just perish en masse and the movie will end, tend to be seated in the centers of theater rows.

Hey, Monica Corcoran.

Don't drink a fucking gallon of Diet Coke before you go to see a two and a half hour movie. Also, don't sit in the center (why do we "tend" to sit there, exactly?). Also, do you honestly have to pee every two hours? How do you sleep? Also, don't tell people how to make their art based on your limitations. Also, salted cocktail peanut?

But it struck me that maybe fan boys are finally getting their revenge on women who mocked them for their comic collections and Spiderman Underoos. Is this comic craze in movies just another Hollywood conspiracy against women? (But "Sex and the City" clocked in at 2 hours and 28 minutes, you protest. Yes, and many women chose to dash off when their least favorite lady hit the screen. Not to mention the fact that it was directed by a man.)

Seriously, what? I chose to not see that piece of shit at all, and I "chose to dash off" out of the English Patient (running time: 162 min) for a completely different reason: it was a terrible movie. And maybe, just maybe, it is possible that the main reason behind the running time of freakin' Batman is not a personal attack on you and your tiny bladdered female friends? I mean, maybe they just hate midgets. Did you think of that? Hmm?

Zack Snyder, director of upcoming geek boy extravaganza "Watchmen," has told the New York Times: "The main picture is nearing three hours long, and I know I have a fight on my hands just with that."

Um, more like a "flight" on your hands at 124 minutes, when a dozen chicks run for the aisles. How about an intermission for the geek girls?

How about if you mess with "Watchmen", I will stab you in your salted-cocktail-peanut-sized bladder with my "geek girl" knife?

Gosh, I am grumpy today. It must be that time of the month, huh Monica? Let's go to the little girls' room together and talk about it. I am assuming your piece is supposed to be a joke, or satire, or funny, or something? But I don't really get it. It's funny how chicks have little bladders? And they don't really like comic book movies, or at least not more than Diet Coke? Where's the funny? I guess I have a little brain, too!


ETA: I just saw Dark Knight yesterday and I didn't have to pee once, so fuck you!

Q&A

Q: Which telecom, singled out by the NYT piece exposing Bush's illegal wiretapping in the first place for handing over customers' data in a way that might not be, shall we say, consistent with the American way, has spent tons and tons of money trying (and succeeding) to guarantee their immunity from prosecution, aimed at both the current Republican administration and Democratic Congress, as well as potential future officeholders (even though campaign finance laws prevent corporations from donating to campaigns)?

A:

They don't say anything about sponsoring conventions!

Commemorative Prostitutes

For a much classier remembrance, I take you to Amsterdam, where they have put this statue of a hooker in the Red Light District to "show respect to the millions of people around the world who earn their money in prostitution" (according to the sculptor, Mariska Majoor, a former prostitute):

Hilariously (for me, anyway), Ms. Majoor was "physically assaulted by an elderly lady who apparently was not happy to have the statue close to her home. The woman was taken into police custody, and released after the unveiling had taken place."

This violent elderly lady apparently has no problem with the actual prostitutes working near her home, just the statue of one. Here's a shot of the square the statue is going in:

See all them red lights? THERE BE HOOKERS. Chill out, feisty old lady.

We Will Never Forget

First of all, as commemorative attack slogans go, this one kind of sucks. Pearl Harbor at least gets "a date which will live in infamy", whereas for September 11th all we have is the fucking date. The Holocaust gets "Never again", which is a little more proactive than just not forgetting (and also used to excellent effect in last week's "Weeds" -- grandfather, Jew and all-around fuck-up played by Albert Brooks tells his grandson that genocide must Never Happen Again. When precocious grandson Shane informs him that in fact it has happened several times since the Holocaust, in Rwanda, Cambodia, Bosnia, etc, he gets the very accurate response: "No, to Jews. It must never happen again to Jews.")

Anyway, to aid with the not forgetting, have a $20 silver plated bill:

With the (theoretical) Freedom Tower on the front and 1+2 WTC on the back, PLUS, as their ad on TV breathlessly informed me, it is the First Time Ever that a bill has used two separate numbers to add up to the denomination -- 9+11=20. It's just so, um, special.

This is brought to you by the National Collector's Mint, the same company that was already slapped for selling coins advertised "as having been minted from silver recovered from a bank vault "in the heart of ground zero"", when in fact they were just silver plated, and stating that they are the "first legally authorized government" coins, when the government in question is not, as one might assume, the US government, but is in fact "the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, a United States possession with no authority to coin its own currency."

One More FISA Story

I read this tidy summary of the FISA bill passed last week, not thinking much of it, until I noticed the byline -- this story about how the telecoms would not be punished, and Bush has managed to legalize his completely illegal wiretapping over the past seven years, was written by Eric Lichtblau, one of the two guys that won a Pulitzer uncovering it all for the NYT in the first place.

For, as it turns out, absolutely nothing:

"The vote came two and a half years after public disclosure of the wiretapping program set off a fierce national debate over the balance between protecting the country from another terrorist strike and ensuring civil liberties. The final outcome in Congress, which opponents of the surveillance measure had conceded for weeks, seemed almost anticlimactic in contrast."

Thanks anyway, dude, hope you enjoyed the Pulitzer.

Arty Porn

This "magazine" WLTF (Would Like To Fuck, um, obviously?) is kind of pretty, in a full frontal nudity sort of way (really, really NSFW, unless your boss likes dick). Interesting meditations on desire, and while some of the photographs are just whatever (and a lot of repetition, especially in Issue 0), there are some really cool shots.

And speaking of pornography, it seems a lot of you are spending your rebate checks on it:

"Getting more people to buy porn was probably the last thing Bush had on his mind when he came up with his 'stimulus package,' but we'll take it," said Jillian Fox of LSGmodels, a site monitored by AIMRCo.

Insert stimulus "package" joke.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Coming back Sept. 18th!




If you missed previous episodes, you can always watch them on Hulu. Highly recommended.

Yikes!

Capital News says: "It is now against the law to smoke in any New York State university or college dormitory. Governor Paterson signed legislation Tuesday prohibiting smoking in the housing facilities of all SUNY and private schools in the state."

Boy, that would have really fucked up 504, huh?

Marriage Protection Amendment

Purely hilarious that this is being reintroduced with 1/5 of its sponsors being Larry Craig and David Vitter. Protect marriage from two men marrying, but no need to worry about whores and gay bathroom sex. Marriage can handle all that just fine!

Muppets and Liberty!

Again, thanks to PFAW, I can point you to the Muppets, Big Bird and (obviously) Martin Sheen reenacting the fucking Continental Congress. Cause what else are you doing with your day, really?

Fox News Breezes By New Low

Media Matters has a comparison of the actual photos of two NYT journalists -- editor Steven Reddicliffe and reporter Jacques Steinberg -- and the apparently ridiculously photoshopped versions that aired on a Fox and Friends segment calling them "Attack Dogs" (in response to an article Steinberg published about Fox News' falling ratings). Later in the segment they put Steinberg's head on a poodle's body, so I guess we are meant to know that all the images here are fake, but this seemed a little less clear:

The NYT's David Carr, who writes about media in the Business section, had a whole article on Fox News where he responded to Media Matter's piece, saying:

"The accompanying photographs were heavily altered, although the audience was probably none the wiser. Mr. Reddicliffe looked like the wicked witch after a hard night of drinking, but it was the photo of Mr. Steinberg that stopped traffic when it appeared on the Web at Media Matters side by side with his actual photo. In a technique familiar to students of vintage German propaganda, his ears were pulled out, his teeth splayed apart, his forehead lowered and his nose was widened and enlarged in a way that made him look more like Fagin than the guy I work with. (Mr. Steinberg told me that as a working reporter who covers Fox News, he was not in a position to comment. A spokeswoman said the executive in charge of “Fox and Friends” is on vacation and not available for comment but added that altering photos for humorous effect is a common practice on cable news stations.)"

Very classy.

It's Hard Out There For a Douchebag

So courtesy of People For the American Way's Right Wing Watch, I saw this: the American Family Association's OneNewsNow site, which is, I guess, the part of the news you would want to read if you were a conservative Christian and didn't particularly want to know about anything else, apparently replaces the word "gay" with "homosexual" in all the articles it "reprints" from the AP. Including articles where Gay is someone's last name. Like Olympic sprinter Tyson Gay:

Homosexual barely averts major flop! Awesome.

Anyway, it seems they've fixed it now, as they have a history of responding to PFAW's items -- this piece shows how the AFA was redirecting links to their own site that came from PFAW's blog to a "Good Person Test" (Question: Are you a good person? Answer: No, and you're going to hell. Invariably. Seriously, take the test). Future links PFAW put up go through an anonymizer, but if you click on the older ones in that piece, instead of going to the test they now, hilariously, rick roll you. Who says the religious right doesn't have a sense of humor!

Plain old fuctional bra

So maybe I talk about bras too much? But seriously, this story about a woman who was stranded on a mountain for three days and was saved by tossing her bra into a passing cable car so people knew where to look (after having given up) is not only full of that plucky indomitable human spirit, but also gave rise to some awesome headlines. My favorite?

Bra saves woman from twin peaks

FISA FISA yay yay yay!

So, you know, complete dismissal of the Fourth Amendment, eviscerated Constitution, a President above the law, yada yada yada. The PAA is a train wreck and this new bill isn't much better, telecom immunity makes you wonder what the whole fucking point of "laws" is anyway, et c. You already know what I'm talking about, and presumably you think it sucks (if not, why do you hate America?) so here's a way to maybe help:



Brought to you from the guys responsible for Ron Paul's money bombs plus some bloggy types, they are trying to raise money to put pressure on Democratic Congress members who are up for reelection, to show that "going to the center" by voting against civil liberties can make you lose some of your unquestioned Democratic base, and maybe even your seat. Accountability, y'all! More than just a nice idea! Maybe!

Kinetic cell phone chargers

Here's an idea that was long enough in coming -- a way to power your cell phone by dancing at your summer music festival of choice. It is not specified if the manufacturers would really prefer that you dance, or if you'll be allowed to charge your phone simply by waving your arms in the air like you just don't care, but either way I think it's pretty nifty. It apparently weighs the same as "a phone" and is the size of a deck of cards, and wraps around your arm:

Seems like putting it on your ankle and grabbing the energy from each step between the beer tent to the mosh pit to the bathroom and back again might be more efficient, but then people might think you had escaped your house arrest or something and you would no longer be cool. Or cooler, depending on the festival (Ozzfest loves the felon on the lam).

Rebate checks

If you were planning on blowing your rebate check on coke and whores, may I suggest the Bunny Ranch? They are offering a 2-for-1 deal:

"According to Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof, "You bring your $600 check in, and we give you the $1,200 George Bush party--three girls and a bottle of champagne." "

Bring your own coke though, I guess. Though it's probably on sale somewhere back there.

Speaking of water bottles

You can buy $40 bottles of water from Bling H2O -- they are made of frosted glass and encrusted with Swarovski crystals.

And, um, they're reusable! Though not so much practical for tossing in your bag and bringing along. But just think how cool you'll be!

We Can Solve It ads

I kind of like these Unlikely Alliance ads:



You can watch more and suggest another unlikely alliance here, as well as sign up for the all-important updates.

I also just bought a nifty water bottle from SIGG brought to my attention by the good folks at stopglobalwarming.org -- stupid expensive for an aluminum bottle, but it is a good replacement for the plastic bottles that are always getting thrown out by the cleaning people at the office so I can't reuse them no matter how hard I fucking try. I don't even have drawers to hide them in anymore!

Anyway, the bottle simply states "I am not plastic", reminiscent of that "I'm not a plastic bag" tote that sold out like crazy and was also stupid expensive, but hey, people are excited about reusing stuff. Who knew! There's also a coffee cup, theoretically available now. So go on, people, consume so you can stop consuming so damn much!

The lighter side of total lack of respect for women

This is pretty funny:




My favorite line: "I can't put my penis in your college degree/I can't shove my fist in your childhood dreams".

Also, stellar breakdancing.

Honor killing mom dead too

In case you missed it, this is what happened to the girl, Rand:

"She died on 16 March after her father discovered she had been seen in public talking to Paul, [a British soldier serving in Iraq,] considered to be the enemy, the invader and a Christian. Though her horrified mother, Leila Hussein, called Rand's two brothers, Hassan, 23, and Haydar, 21, to restrain Abdel-Qader as he choked her with his foot on her throat, they joined in. Her shrouded corpse was then tossed into a makeshift grave without ceremony as her uncles spat on it in disgust.

"'Death was the least she deserved,' said Abdel-Qader. 'I don't regret it. I had the support of all my friends who are fathers, like me, and know what she did was unacceptable to any Muslim that honours his religion,' he said.

"Sitting on a chair by his front door and surrounded by the gerberas and white daisies he had planted in the family garden, Abel-Qader attempted to justify his actions.

"'I don't have a daughter now, and I prefer to say that I never had one. That girl humiliated me in front of my family and friends. Speaking with a foreign solider, she lost what is the most precious thing for any woman. 'People from western countries might be shocked, but our girls are not like their daughters that can sleep with any man they want and sometimes even get pregnant without marrying. Our girls should respect their religion, their family and their bodies.

"'I have only two boys from now on. That girl was a mistake in my life. I know God is blessing me for what I did,' he said, his voice swelling with pride. 'My sons are by my side, and they were men enough to help me finish the life of someone who just brought shame to ours.'

"Abdel-Qader, a Shia, says he was released from the police station 'because everyone knows that honour killings sometimes are impossible not to commit'. Chillingly, he said: 'The officers were by my side during all the time I was there, congratulating me on what I had done.' "

He also said of his daughter "If I had realized what she would become, I would have killed her the instant her mother delivered her." As "what she would become" was a girl who talked to a British guy.

And then this is what happened to her mom:

"It was two weeks after Rand's death on 16 March that a grief-stricken Leila, unable to bear living under the same roof as her husband, found the strength to leave him. She had been beaten and had had her arm broken. It was a courageous move. Few women in Iraq would contemplate such a step. Leila told The Observer in April: 'No man can accept being left by a woman in Iraq. But I would prefer to be killed than sleep in the same bed as a man who was able to do what he did to his own daughter.'

"Her words were to prove prescient. Leila turned to the only place she could, a small organisation in Basra campaigning for the rights of women and against 'honour' killings. Almost immediately she began receiving threats - notes calling her a 'prostitute' and saying she deserved to die like her daughter.

"Even her sons Hassan, 23, and Haydar, 21, whom she claimed aided their father in their sister's killing, disowned her. Meanwhile, her husband, a former government employee, escaped any charges, and even told The Observer that police had congratulated him on what he had done.

"It is not known who killed Leila. All that is known is that she was staying at the house of 'Mariam', one of the women's rights campaigners, whose identity The Observer has agreed not to reveal. On the morning of 17 May, they were joined by another volunteer worker and set off to meet 'a contact' who was to help Leila travel to Amman, where she would be taken in by an Iraqi family."

Then a car drove up with three men in it, who shot and killed her, injuring the two volunteers as well.

This story just sucks, in all its ways, and I don't have a lot to say about it except that if it makes you mad or sad and you wanted to do something about it, there are some places you could go, like the Iranian and Kurdish Women's Rights Organisation, which has a link on it to "hide this website" in case your husband or father catches you thinking women should have rights, or Stop-Stoning.org, and you can always just give money to AI. They're good people.

Quote of the Day

From a highly scientific report showing that men like boobies and things that wrap boobies, and boobie-wrappers change male behavior (entitled "Bikini-clad Women Make Men Impatient")

“It seems that sexual appetite causes a greater urgency to consume anything rewarding,” the authors suggest. Thus, the activation of sexual desire appears to spill over into other brain systems involved in reward-seeking behaviors, even the cognitive desire for money. "After they touched a bra, men are more likely to be content with a smaller immediate monetary reward,” writes Bram Van den Bergh, one of the study’s authors. “Prior exposure to sexy stimuli may influence the choice between chocolate cake or fruit for dessert.”

Sexy stimuli is my new favorite phrase. Also, hey, chocolate: not just for chicks on the rag anymore. But don't worry, there's a fix:

"In fact, doing a task designed to inspire financial satisfaction reduced the bikini-inspired impatience, just as feeling full reduces food cravings. Men may want to be aware of bikinis’ effects on their bank accounts and waistlines."

Since they are currently only aware of their effects on their dicks? Also, can someone please point me at a task designed to inspire financial satisfaction? Sounds awesome.

Solar Bra!

Have you guys seen this? It's awesome -- Gizmodo reports that the Japanese (obviously) have come up with this amazing piece of lingerie that has a solar panel attached to it, which can power your cell phone if you leave it out in the sun for a couple hours a day (it's detachable, so you don't have to take your shirt off, but you certainly can!). Check it out:

Those little gel things on the sides of the cups? Boob heaters. Seriously.

Also, while poking around Gizmodo, I found this sweet $100,000 shower:

Which is remarkable both for the very nifty tilework on the floor (not so much the walls) as well as this comment from writer Adam Frucci: "Judging by the photo, most of them are all around you, but one powerful showerhead looks to be a, well, undercarriage cleaner, just in case you like having a fire hose shot at your taint in the morning."

Don't we all, Adam. Don't we all.

Poison Gas Suicide

So, I totally understand how living in Japan could make you want to kill yourself, but this latest rash of "make your own death gas" has got to stop. People, committing suicide is just like being a doctor -- first, do no harm [to other people]! It's nice that you put a helpful sign on your door informing people that there was poison gas in there, but you still made your whole apartment building sick. And in another instance, a 27 year old guy put a sign on his bathroom in his parents' house warning them not to enter, poison gas, so obviously when his dad saw it he rushed in to try to, you know, save his son's life, and instantly died. If there is anything you could to to hurt your mom worse than kill yourself, it would be to take your dad with you when you did it.

So, once again, all together now: if you really gotta do it, buy a gun and fire it into the roof of your mouth. Do not poison your neighbors/parents. Do not park your car in the path of an oncoming train. Do not blow yourself up in a crowded location. And, you know, make sure your dad isn't hovering above your skull before you pull the trigger. It's really the least you can do, you irresponsible suicidal fucks.

Bitches can NOT drive!

Wonder why that Russian spaceship landed 250 miles off target? That's right, cause a woman was in charge. US astronaut Peggy Whitson, the first female commander of the ISS, plus the first South Korean astronaut who also happens to be a dumb chick who can't steer, totally messed up the whole ship's mojo. But don't worry, Russia is on the task!

Federal Space Agency chief Anatoly Perminov referred to a naval superstition that having women aboard a ship was bad luck when asked about the presence of two women on the Soyuz.

"You know in Russia, there are certain bad omens about this sort of thing, but thank God that everything worked out successfully," he said. "Of course in the future, we will work somehow to ensure that the number of women will not surpass" the number of men.

Challenged by a reporter, Perminov responded, "This isn't discrimination. I'm just saying that when a majority [of the crew] is female, sometimes certain kinds of unsanctioned behavior or something else occurs; that's what I'm talking about." He did not elaborate.

Awesome!

Penis Theft Panic!

OK, really, this is just an excuse to reference this awesome headline:

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

I mean, phenomenal. But there is one other awesome part, wherein these penises (penii?) are being "snatched" via black magic, leading Kinshasa's police chief to say:

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke[...b]ut when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'"

Uh, yah, they "became" tiny. Sure they did. Funny how that happens.

Not so funny -- they had to arrest alleged sorcerers along side alleged victims to skip the result "seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs."

OK, actually, that's still funny. I mean, everybody's got to go one way or another, and being beaten to death by a mob for being a penis snatcher has a certain élan to it, don't you think?

Google Fly!

Remember how I told y'all about how awesome the Sky part of the new Google Earth is? Well, because I am not that bright, I did not even realize there was a fucking flight simulator hidden in it. Just pop it open, click on the globe, and hit Ctl+Alt+A. Once you do it for the first time, it becomes an option in your Tools menu.

It's kind of tricky, but it's a flight simulator! Through the "real" Sky! Beats the crap out of the landscape in Pilotwings, I can tell you that. Anyway, thanks to Lifehacker's top 10 software easter eggs, though this is totally the best (teddy bears in Picasa? Who gives a shit?).

Feeling good about yourself, ladies?

Well we can fix that! Just pop open the new game Miss Bimbo, where you can adopt your own bimbo avatar, and make sure she goes through enough diet pills, boob jobs and face lifts to, I guess, win? From the Times:

The Miss Bimbo internet game has attracted prepubescent girls who are told to buy their virtual characters breast enlargement surgery and to keep them “waif thin” with diet pills. Healthcare professionals, a parents’ group and an organisation representing people suffering anorexia and bulimia criticised the website for sending a dangerous message to impressionable children. In the month since it opened the site, which is aimed at girls aged from 9 to 16, has attracted 200,000 members. Players keep a constant watch on the weight, wardrobe, wealth and happiness of their character to create “the coolest, richest and most famous bimbo in the world”. Competing against other children they earn “bimbo dollars” to buy plastic surgery, diet pills, facelifts, lingerie and fashionable nightclub outfits.

And how do you succeed, you ask? Never fear, there are carefully designated levels:

Level 7 After you broke up with your boyfriend you went on an eating binge! Now it’s time to diet . . . Your target weight is less than 132lbs
Level 9 Have a nip and tuck operation for a brand new face. You’ve found work as a plus-size model. To gain those vivacious curves, you need to weigh more than 154lbs
Level 10 Summertime is coming up and bikini weather is upon us. You want to turn heads on the beach don’t you?
Level 11 Bigger is better! Have a breast operation
Level 17 There is a billionaire on vacation . . . You must catch his eye and his love! Good luck!

In case you missed it earlier, this game is aimed at girls 9-16. You know, when they're at their most confident about their weight and breast size, and totally not susceptible to outside influences (like "Bigger is better! Have a breast operation". Not a lot of ambiguity there, hmm? ). I'm all for freedom in gaming and all that, but one does wonder what sort of parents approve of this sort of activity for their prepubescent daughters.

I am an American and yet not a Christian

Doesn't that mean this is not a Christian nation? How else could that be true? I do not get it and you people fucking piss me off. I should not be allowed to LIVE HERE in your fucking Christian nation, as an affront to everything you believe in. Yet somehow, I go on, day in and day out, not being Christian. It boggles the mind.

Regardless, people disagree, and some are willing to go! All! The! Way! to the Supreme Court to be able to issue a prayer before a City Council meeting that specifically mentions Jesus Christ. A non-sectarian prayer is already ok (bastards), the only issue is making it exclusively Christian, which is, you know, not OK. The plaintiff, a Jesus-loving council member, has already lost the district case, but will not give up the (holy) ghost, claiming that he is exercising his right to free speech, that the official City Council prayer is not government speech, and therefore their failure to let him invoke Jesus infringes his "First Amendment rights of Free Speech, Free Exercise of Religion, and non-Establishment of religion and equal protection under the law". The district court sanely disagrees -- from their decision that his prayer is in fact government speech:

Plaintiff’s characterization of his speech ignores the primary purpose of the prayer, and the effect it has on others. First, the central purpose of the program in which the speech occurs is to conduct City Council business. Second, the local government can (and must, to comply with the Establishment Clause) exercise editorial control over the speech’s content. Third, the identity of the speaker, Councilor Turner is a government official, acting in his official capacity. Contrary to Councilor Turner’s assertions, the ultimate responsibility for the content of the speech, rests upon the City Council on whose behalf the prayer is offered. Additionally, the Mayor presides over the City Council meetings in his official capacity, and recognizes individual Council members to deliver the City Council’s opening prayer. The prayer may not be offered without the Mayor’s permission. The prayer by the City Council member is an official agenda item, listed on the meeting agendas.

Thanks! Everything else pretty much follows from there, based on Marsh v. Chambers which still allows legislative prayer based on historical precedent as long as they're not sectarian, and that's the end of that.

Except it's not, because a federal appeals court just heard arguments on this case last week. But whatever, lots of luck getting it to the Supreme Court. Of course Brennan who is still on the Court wrote the original dissent for Marsh, back in 83, saying:

The most commonly cited formulation of prevailing Establishment Clause doctrine is found in Lemon v. Kurtzman, 403 U.S. 602 (1971): [463 U.S. 783, 797] "Every analysis in this area must begin with consideration of the cumulative criteria developed by the Court over many years. Three such tests may be gleaned from our cases. First, the statute [at issue] must have a secular legislative purpose; second, its principal or primary effect must be one that neither advances nor inhibits religion; finally, the statute must not foster `an excessive government entanglement with religion.'"

That the "purpose" of legislative prayer is pre-eminently religious rather than secular seems to me to be self-evident. "To invoke Divine guidance on a public body entrusted with making the laws," is nothing but a religious act. Moreover, whatever secular functions legislative prayer might play - formally opening the legislative session, getting the members of the body to quiet down, and imbuing them with a sense of seriousness and high purpose - could so plainly be performed in a purely nonreligious fashion that to claim a secular purpose for the prayer is an insult to the perfectly honorable individuals who instituted and continue the practice....

Damn skippy. This whole thing is an insult! To me, anyway, though I am not that honorable. But the decision to overturn the appeals court in favor of permitting legislative prayer is all predicated on tradition, and given special dispensation since there has always been a prayer before Congress, etc. Of course the original folk being prayed at and writing the Establishment clause in the first place also wore ridiculous wigs and rode horses and walked around in shit all the time, and we seem to have no problem with losing those traditions in favor of tasteful toupees, cars and indoor plumbing, but whatever. The main decision in Marsh justified itself and pointed out the special nature of opening prayers by including this:

In the very courtrooms in which the United States District Judge and later three Circuit Judges heard and decided this case, the proceedings opened with an announcement that concluded, "God save the United States and this Honorable
Court." The same invocation occurs at all sessions of this Court.

Well then stop fucking saying it! Problem solved! I should be on the Court. Jesus Christ.

The Truth About Space Invaders

They're not just faceless aliens, people! Witness the destruction of a whole society in this fantastic music video for Ken Ishii’s “Space Invaders 2003”:




It's really rather depressing, on top of its awesomeness.

What to do

When you're a free market, limited govermnent loving rich person with a bunch of commie liberal heirs? Leave your money to DonorsTrust, of course! From one of their emails:

"We love our children, our grandchildren, and our families. But that doesn't mean we always see eye to eye with them. Sometimes we just have a difference of opinion on trivial matters. Other times it becomes quite obvious that they do not share our fundamental understanding of the world and the way it operates. That's why our clients use DonorsTrust. They love their families but know they can rely on DonorsTrust to carry out their charitable intent. DonorsTrust erects a protective boundary, which means our clients' successor advisors will never be able to support the likes of Greenpeace or MoveOn.org."

Not Greenpeace! NEVER!

Google, still not evil

Google, in one of those pretty nifty, innovative type moves, is giving a free phone number with voicemail box to every homeless person in San Francisco. Now you can say, as many do, hey Google, why not give food to the starving or medicine to the dying or whatnot. But Google.org has made it clear that they are not giving money to those types of ventures -- there are plenty of reasons why that doesn't work as well as it ought to (infrastructure, corruption, lack of teaching a man to fish, etc.) One of the larger obstacles in getting out of homelessness is the lack of a phone number to put on a job application, or a way to be reached for an interview or follow-up. Google can solve this systemic problem for not a lot of money, then let the people that don't need a handout pull themselves out of the system. Which really works a lot better than just throwing more money at an unsolved problem. Go Google. Keep not being evil!

Oh, the Onion, you can still make me laugh

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

McCain's Laser Death Ray

Do not MAKE me shut my other eye!

(photo from the Drudge Report)

Waterboarding

First of all, I am no fan of Mukasey's at all, that has been well-established. I am also, on matters of general principle, opposed to torture, especially as practiced by the state. On 24 and in the bedroom, it's fine.

However, I think people are being a little unfair about Mukasey's refusal to come out and say if waterboarding is torture. People seem to be under the impression that when he says that as the Attorney General it would not be responsible for him to make this determination, he means AG's should not be giving opinions on the legality of torture at all. But it seems to me pretty clear that all he is saying is, since the CIA is not officially doing waterboarding now, there is no set of instructions for him to judge. It's a vague term. In the future, the CIA might discover that the best way to get information is to gently drip some water on a guy's nose while he's on a board, to pick a mildly unlikely example. Is that waterboarding? Maybe. Is it illegal tortue? Probably not. But Mukasey would have already ruled it out, and then he would have let the terrorists win!

Seriously though, all he's saying is there's no definition for the term, and people disagree on exactly what would be torture, so it would be irresponsible for him to say. Like it or not, America engages in interrogation. There is a tolerance for certain techniques, and we're supposed to draw the line. He is supposed to draw the line. But it's a fine line, and he needs something to actually draw it between. If you think it should be out of the question all the time, you're probably some kind of crazy "human rights" supporter and that's fine. But you're missing the point. As long as some kinds of interrogation are ok, he's going to have to keep deciding on a case-by-case basis what is and is not torture, as the CIA presents him with a specific scenario and conditions for deploying it. Fun job! But he's right -- he can't make a blanket statement about it now.

Detachable Testicles

People are always saying that birth control is supposed to be both partners' responsibility, but assuming you don't want to use condoms forever in your long term relationship, what's a man to do? Short of having a vasectomy, you really don't have a lot of options. And you know your girlfriend will one day replace her birth control pills with Tic-Tacs and trap you into a marriage, that bitch.

Well, never fear: scientists in Australia (yay, Australia!) have invented a remote-controlled valve that you just pop in your vas deferens and can open and shut as you see fit. Trying to get the wifey pregnant? Open! Don't want the stripper filing a paternity suit? Closed! So handy. Just make sure, as always, not to let the bitch touch the remote.

Also one commenter suggests it should be named the StopCock, which I think is just brilliant.

Citizens United Not Timid

Is "a 527 organization to educate the American public about what Hilary Clinton really is". And guess what she is? Guess what those initials spell? That's right, cunt! They spell cunt. She is a cunt. You can buy a t-shirt with this valuable information on it:





Check out that logo! At least Hillary is a patriotic, star-spangled cunt.

Anyway, that's the whole point of the group -- selling those $25 t-shirts. And the guy behind it, Roger Stone, used to work for Nixon and has a tattoo of Nixon between his shoulder blades! That is fucking committed!

Presidential Paintball

Remember that time Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face?

Well, you can't be Dick Cheney in this game, but why pass up a chance to bring that up? You can be one of the 6 leading candidates and try to shoot the rest of them. In the face.

Search Wikia

So, ok, I know people have different opinions about Wikipedia (I'm STILL looking at (and loathing) you, Andrew Keene!), but I think this is a pretty good plan right here. You know how Google gets its results to be all handy and relevant? Right, you don't -- nobody does except Larry Page and he's not talking, cause those algorithms are mighty valuable.

So what if instead of writing an algorithm that would somehow rank pages in the right order of relevance without ever looking at them, you just got the whole Wiki universe to actually look at search results and tell you which ones were right? Cause, you know, we don't have anything better to do, and we have a lot of free time.

And what's the point of doing this, when we already have Google and it rocks, whereas this project is going to take a really long time to be good, assuming it ever happens? Well, nobody knows how pages get ranked. And while Google continues to not be evil so far, they are pretty neatly taking over the whole fucking world, and I don't know how long that's going to last. And if they started tweaking their algorithms so just the opinions and articles and products they wanted you to see started coming up, and you had no way of knowing they were doing it? Well, you don't need to be a paranoid conspiracy theorist to see where that might be bad.

But even if you have perfect faith in Google, transparency is still always a good thing. You should know how things get made, even sausages and laws (maybe you shouldn't be eating those sausages if they're so fucking gross to make, hmm?). So knowing exactly how my search engine works and what goes into its rankings is something I'd rather know than not know, you know?

In short, fuck ignorance.

All I Want For Christmas

Is a combination Taser holster/MP3 player. Seriously, what else would you get for the girl always running in dark, crime-ridden alleys? Besides some fucking common sense and a gym membership? Answer: this!

Oh, and is that a leopard print Taser peeking out of there? OH YES I BELIEVE IT IS!

Hott.

Attacks on Obama

In between all the bullshit about him being a Muslim terrorist and whatnot (his middle name is Hussein, you guys! Al-Qaeda!!!), I must have missed this last year: Obama paid late parking tickets -- Racked up penalties while at Harvard.

That's right, people, between 1988 and 1991, Obama got seventeen whole parking tickets, of which only two were paid at the time. That is, until he decided to run for president and had to clean that shit up, twenty years later.

The part that amazes me is that apparently in Boston, fifteen parking tickets and two decades of late fees only adds up to $375.

Also, lucky he never had the fucking marshals seize his car. Cause seriously, that shit sucks.

Wait, who was our mayor on September 11th again?

In re: Hillary getting a tad weepy, Rudy assures us:

"This is not something I would judge anybody on one way or the other. And the reality is, if you look at me, uh, September 11th, the funerals, the memorial services, there were times in which it was just impossible -- not to feel, uh, the emotion."

Just in case you had forgotten!

William Kristol

Not that I know a whole bunch about William Kristol, but cartoonist Tom Tomorrow has gone to the trouble of rounding up a lovely sample of quotes showing what we might expect from the NYT's newest columnist. My personal favorite? From March 1st, 2003: "Very few wars in American history were prepared better or more thoroughly than this one by this president." Even Ol' Rummy was agreeing that "you go to war with the Army you have...not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time" by the next year.

Oh, look who wrote that article I just linked to quoting SecDef! Right up there in the Google results. William Kristol opens with the quote then goes on to explain why he disagrees (rather disrespectfully: "Actually, we have a pretty terrific Army. It's performed a lot better in this war than the secretary of defense has."), and apparently is under the impression that he is a more competent judge of the army's strength than the fucking Secretary of Defense. No matter how lacking that Secretary may or may not have been. Kristol goes on to highlight Rummy's failings by saying:

"Leave aside the fact that the issue is not "the number of troops we had for the invasion" but rather the number of troops we have had for postwar stabilization. Leave aside the fact that Gen. Tommy Franks had projected that he would need a quarter-million troops on the ground for that task -- and that his civilian superiors had mistakenly promised him that tens of thousands of international troops would be available. Leave aside the fact that Rumsfeld has only grudgingly and belatedly been willing to adjust even a little bit to realities on the ground since April 2003. And leave aside the fact that if our generals have been under pressure not to request more troops in Iraq for fear of stretching the military too thin, this is a consequence of Rumsfeld's refusal to increase the size of the military after Sept. 11."

Gosh, don't you think some of that would have been, you know, prepared for?

Anyway, I digress: my point is, William Kristol. Writing for the New York Times. Yesterday's column goes something like:

"Some of us would much prefer a non-liberal and non-Democratic administration. We don’t want to increase the scope of the nanny state, we don’t want to undo the good done by the appointments of John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, and we really don’t want to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory in Iraq."

I am all for balanced perspectives in the media but isn't this why God in His infinite wisdom invented Fox News?

The Bible from Godless China, Just Like Jesus Intended

The city of Nanking, previously famous mainly for being raped, has a new selling point: it will be home to a printing plant that can produce "more than one Bible every second" (!). At the risk of being blasphemous, that is a lot of goddamn bibles. Of course, as the article points out:

"There is a massive irony in China becoming the leading exporter of Bibles at a time when religious freedoms in the nation of 1.3 billion remain tightly restricted and smuggling of unauthorized Bibles can still lead to a jail sentence.

"Earlier this year, one of the leaders of China's underground Protestant church was released after serving three years hard labor for possessing thousands of unauthorized Bibles. He reportedly spent his sentence making soccer balls for the 2008 Beijing Olympics."

This is what we need in America. More jail sentences for Bible possession, with a net result of much-needed sports equipment (Get it? Net?). Get those looney motherfuckers off the streets and into prison where they belong!

No, seriously. Off the streets.

My New Favorite Google Maps Mash-Up

The World Bank, Mapped. It's a pretty handy mash-up, really, allowing you to see country data and active World Bank projects all laid out on their countries. Like, if you were wondering how the Cotton Sector Recovery Project in Tajikistan was doing, how would you ever know where to find this information? Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. The other half is clearly the recovery of the cotton sector in Tajikistan, so good luck with that.

There is also genuinely helpful (or at least interesting) information in all the data sections. Like, did you know the infant mortality rate in the DRC is 129 out of 1,000 live births? And that's before you even have the chance to get shot in a violent uprising!

The site also includes this awesome DISCLAIMER: "This map is powered by Google Maps. Country borders or names do not necessarily reflect the World Bank Group's official position." Just in case you thought the solution to your border dispute was hacking into Google Maps.

Cheap Toys and a Surprise!

When you shop at Wal-Mart, you don't just get a doll, you also get a shank. This video from CNN reports on a family who bought a doll from Wal-Mart that also had a knife wrapped in electrical tape in it. Wal-Mart neglected to provide an explanation or give a refund for the doll, which does seem a little not in the Christmas spirit, but what do I know.



Also Mattel assures us that this is "an isolated incident", in case you thought they might be changing Polly Pocket to Polly Pocketknife.