Weekly World News

I never really read this "paper", which is too bad, as by all accounts it is really funny and now it's closing. Here is a great article by a "reporter" for WWN named Stan Sinberg, which includes the following passage which made me laugh out loud:

"Once I was "in," I often described my job, without a hint of exaggeration, as "thinking of the stupidest shit possible." I once pitched a story positing that the U.S. government had data confirming that the one commonality linking all mass killers, including the Columbine shooters, was that they never masturbated. Rather than issue this report, which would save lives but promote onanism, the government preferred to let occasional slaughters take place. My editor rejected it on the grounds that it was "too plausible."

During my stint at the News I turned down chances to write for (the much better paying) Enquirer, because I didn't want to engage in celebrity trash-talk. WWN avoided celeb gossip, with the exception of Elvis and politicians (for instance, Donald Rumsfeld: "Rumsfeld Changes His Name to Rumsfeldstiltskin and Tells Rogue Nations 'Guess My New Name or We'll Invade You,'" "Homeland Security Chief's House Robbed Five Times in a Week"). By those standards alone, I considered it a higher calling."


Rumsfeldstiltskin. Hilarious. Other excellent stories include "the rap artist who had 'reverse Tourette's syndrome,' which forced him to say something nice every time he tried to curse," "the judicial system was in chaos because a thief stole "the book" that judges throw at them," and the excellent headline "New Study Reveals Stitch in Time Only Saves Eight".

Still laughing.