Bristol Palin's baby daddy

Just for the record, I think that dragging children into presidential campaigns is absolutely wrong, not because of some moral abstraction regarding the sanctity of your kids, but just because it's rather pointless. I mean my parents are atrocious at being parents and have the totally fucked up kids to prove it, but are excellent at things like running large companies and getting people to like them, and would make great vice presidents. In fact, McCain really ought to have picked my dad, they see eye to eye on a whole truckload.

But, the New York Post (aka "the rag of record") does not share my compunction, and has reproduced in part the MySpace page of one Levi Johnston:

On his MySpace page, Johnston boasts, "I'm a f - - -in' redneck" who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.
"But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s- - - and just f - - -in' chillin' I guess."
"Ya f - - - with me I'll kick [your] ass," he added.
He also claims to be "in a relationship," but states, "I don't want kids."

I mean that's just great. "'Ya f - - - with me I'll kick [your] ass,' he added" is a sentence that needs to be used far more often in newspapers. I mean "newspapers".

Confidential to Fox News: please note that my usage of the term "baby [parent]" is not entirely correct as Bristol and Levi are reportedly still involved and plan to wed, but it is an improvement over using it to refer to one's actual current spouse. Thank you.

Film on YouTube

One of the common criticisms about this whole Web 2.0 user-generated content whatnot is that there is so much crap generated by the unwashed masses that no one will be able to tell what is good or not. Leaving aside the fact that there are plenty of stars forged in the fires of YouTube (many currently featured in that Weezer video), there is also the point that YouTube is simply a distribution channel, albeit one with very few obstacles to entry.

So if you'd made a film about exactly how staggeringly incompetent US decisions made after the fall of Baghdad contributed in no small part to this seething quagmire of a civil war called Iraq we've got going on now, and you'd seen the other fifteen excellent recent movies about Iraq crash and burn in brick-and-mortar theaters (even the crappy ones with tons of famous people failed, and I am pretty sure that Brett is the only person not specifically involved with the making of the film "Grace Is Gone" nor at Sundance 2007 to have seen it), maybe you would realize that getting as many people to see your documentary as possible is what you were going for all along. (Also, its run on YouTube just happens to end on November 5th, which sounds kinda close to some other date that is familiar for some reason.)

So maybe Magnolia Pictures that bought your critically acclaimed movie (Washington Post's number 1 film of 2007!) and planned to distribute it, but so far had only managed to put it in 2 theaters and release the DVD, thought: why not put the fucker up on YouTube so people can see it for free with no ads in the film, and just have a banner ad up top that (presumably) represents some sort of sponsorship from Netflix and Amazon so we can actually recoup some of our expenses?

I think it's a brilliant plan, that I hope more films released by actual studios could follow. A lot of talk has gone 'round about the demise of the major studio indie division, but really, what does it cost you to put something on YouTube? Work out a deal with Netflix, include their ad on your page, and accomplish the goals of 1) having people see the movie and 2) making money off the movie with little to no effort whatsoever. Why is that hard? Like, if this absolutely ridiculous animated baby rap piece of shit advertising some bullshit online cute baby contest can get almost seven hundred thousand views (!), maybe a picture about a war that has dramatically affected the lives of millions and millions of people could get a handful of hits.

Actually, I just scanned some of the comments, and never mind. Back to DVDs, never to be seen by anyone, you brilliant relevant filmmakers you!

forkinass4 says:
why is this video an hour long? WTF MAN!! That aint right! (votes zero)

RNC

In the spirit of the Republicans taking a day off their convention to go make sure Hurricane Gustav didn't entirely obliterate their chances this November, I will also take a break from mentioning anything about the specific fourth dimensional aspects of exactly how much Bush cares about black people [Hint: not determined solely by when hurricanes are about to hit] and simply inquire: What the fuck is Cindy McCain wearing?





Is it, like, the color of the silty, flooding Mississippi? With a collar that can be used as a flotation device?

Divorced Kids

Nope, not kids of divorce, divorced children: This 8 year old girl in Saudi Arabia was somehow or other married to a 50 year old guy in secret, arranged by her father, and now her mother is filing for divorce on her behalf. Because she doesn't know she's married, and also because she's eight. Now I understand that lots of people have arranged marriages, and often they are arranged while they are still children, but don't they usually wait until they're at least like thirteen, or, you know, have pubic hair, before they actually get married? At least this one is still living with her parents, unlike this other girl they mention:

In April another eight-year-old girl won a divorce after fleeing from her husband, aged 28, and arriving in the main court in the capital Sana'a.

They don't mention exactly how an eight year old managed to run away and make it all the way to the capital, in Yemen, but that's some accomplished kid. I bet she'll make someone very happy, when she's ready to be a wife. At twelve.

Condom Ringtone

Neat idea: in India, where there are still a lot of stigmas around condoms, sexual education and their 2.5 million people living with HIV/AIDS, the BBC World Services Trust has started a new campaign trying to make condoms more acceptable. So far they've included a contest to answer a riddle to get people to talk about condoms, have a spiffy parrot mascot, and awesomely, a ringtone with a professional singer chanting "Condom" over and over. There's an ad showing the ringtone here, plus you can hear or download the ringtone here. It's pretty great!

Gender Identity

Confused? Just examine your browsing history! This dude has set up a way to analyze what sites you've visited, compare their male-to-female ratio, and therefore decide whether you are male or female. The ratios are pretty interesting, people's comments seem to imply that they think there's judgement involved, and are confusing actually being male or female with gender stereotypes (why does my college make me feminine??) but it's just a breakdown -- girls are more likely to use financial sites and buy plane tickets and check out the ACLU than boys, for whatever reason. But boy oh boy is The Pirate Bay male! Incidentally, Google is just slightly more used by women whereas YouTube is exactly even. Given that there are more women than men in the world, but I think there are more men on the Internet -- well, I don't actually know what any of it means (nor where he's getting the ratios from) but it is interesting.

Oddly enough, my FireFox self is overwhelmingly female, while my IE self is overwhelmingly male. I didn't realize I was breaking it down like that. I guess I'll go check out this weekend's Hall of Fame football game on FireFox, then. Go Redskins!

Why this woman can't handle Monica Corcoran

Why women can't handle 'Dark Knight'

Hey, Christopher Nolan.

Ever drink a gallon of Diet Coke and sit for two hours with your legs crossed? Oh and then -- just when it seems like Gotham is safe and credits will roll -- suffer through another 32 minutes of clenching your nether region muscles?

Clearly, the director of "The Dark Knight" and the auteurs behind other interminable fan boy action movies such as "Iron Man" (126 minutes) don't know that a woman's
bladder is about the size of a salted cocktail peanut. Men have bladders that are walnut-sized. And those very gals, after silently praying that the Joker will die or Batman will retire or everyone will just perish en masse and the movie will end, tend to be seated in the centers of theater rows.

Hey, Monica Corcoran.

Don't drink a fucking gallon of Diet Coke before you go to see a two and a half hour movie. Also, don't sit in the center (why do we "tend" to sit there, exactly?). Also, do you honestly have to pee every two hours? How do you sleep? Also, don't tell people how to make their art based on your limitations. Also, salted cocktail peanut?

But it struck me that maybe fan boys are finally getting their revenge on women who mocked them for their comic collections and Spiderman Underoos. Is this comic craze in movies just another Hollywood conspiracy against women? (But "Sex and the City" clocked in at 2 hours and 28 minutes, you protest. Yes, and many women chose to dash off when their least favorite lady hit the screen. Not to mention the fact that it was directed by a man.)

Seriously, what? I chose to not see that piece of shit at all, and I "chose to dash off" out of the English Patient (running time: 162 min) for a completely different reason: it was a terrible movie. And maybe, just maybe, it is possible that the main reason behind the running time of freakin' Batman is not a personal attack on you and your tiny bladdered female friends? I mean, maybe they just hate midgets. Did you think of that? Hmm?

Zack Snyder, director of upcoming geek boy extravaganza "Watchmen," has told the New York Times: "The main picture is nearing three hours long, and I know I have a fight on my hands just with that."

Um, more like a "flight" on your hands at 124 minutes, when a dozen chicks run for the aisles. How about an intermission for the geek girls?

How about if you mess with "Watchmen", I will stab you in your salted-cocktail-peanut-sized bladder with my "geek girl" knife?

Gosh, I am grumpy today. It must be that time of the month, huh Monica? Let's go to the little girls' room together and talk about it. I am assuming your piece is supposed to be a joke, or satire, or funny, or something? But I don't really get it. It's funny how chicks have little bladders? And they don't really like comic book movies, or at least not more than Diet Coke? Where's the funny? I guess I have a little brain, too!


ETA: I just saw Dark Knight yesterday and I didn't have to pee once, so fuck you!